Sleep: Something I Used to Do

Once upon a time, before I had a baby (I don't want to say almost a year ago because my little baby cannot be that old), I used to sleep. I didn't necessarily sleep well, but most of the time I went to sleep and when I woke up it was morning. Now I go to bed at 10:30 and wake up at 12:30. And 3:30. And sometimes 5:00. And then we start our day at seven. Not bad you might think. That's about seven hours. But when that seven hours is broken down into such small chunks of time you kind of feel like you're losing your mind. Add to that that I am the lightest sleeper ever and that it takes me a long time to fall asleep, we're talking maybe four and a half hours of actual sleep.
Seeley is going through a funk. She used to only wake up once a night and she had been napping and sleeping in the crib like a champ. But now she's waking up all night and she won't fall asleep in the crib unless one of us is in there with her rubbing her back or hair. Some other mothers have told me this can happen at 10 months. They have so much going on in their growing brains (standing! talking! eating real food!) that their schedule and ability to sleep goes all out of whack. The biggest skill you need as a parent is adaptability and I'm trying to work on that everyday.
But it's hard. After Seeley goes to bed I get anxious. I have so much I want to do with that time, but I find myself looking at the clock thinking about how much sleep I'm depriving myself by staying up. It's not like my pre-baby days when I can just choose to stay up and go to bed early the next day. I have no control over how much sleep I get. But I also need to give myself time to read, work on my writing, or even just drink wine and watch crap t.v. It's a balance I'm constantly trying to figure out. How can I fit so much into a schedule I have no control over?
Suprisingly, aside from a few snappy comments between Wes and I (followed by grumpy apologies) we've managed to soldier on despite the lack of sleep. I've just given in to the changes she needs to go through. As long as she takes two naps at some point during the day and starts the night in the crib I don't care how we get there. And honestly, it's nice that she wants us to comfort her. It melts my heart that she'd rather curl up against me than sleep alone. She will go back in the crib, we will have a schedule. But not today.