Health During Times of Stress

Transitioning from a full-time SAHM to having a part time job is stressful. I tend to stress more than is necessary, and believe me I've been thinking about how and when and where  I will get back to work since the day Seeley was born. This wasn't because being home wasn't what I wanted (I would make the same choice over again no question), I just knew that eventually I would want to resume my career.

Well here I am today; ready to work and grateful for being given a chance to teach again! I'm so lucky with the teaching position I've accepeted. I get to start working slowly and build the amount of classes I teach over time. I get time to prepare as it starts in September. I get time, period. That's one of the things that marks true success in life. Time. So many people have no time to rest, think, grow or develop as a person. I am grateful to be in a position where I don't have to take whatever job I can get to bring in money. The leisure to look for a job out of pure interest and professional development is something everyone should be able to do and which far too few people are able. Carrying this gratitude with me has helped me when I feel overwhelmed and then consequently feel guilty for being so privleged and whiny.

Along with practicing gratitude, I've been trying over the last couple years to channel my stress into productivity. I definitely try to prepare, prepare, prepare!! I've been reading a lot of great public speaking books in preparation for my class(I'm teaching a communication and public speaking course), as well as watching a lot of TEDTalks online (I'm obsessed). I'm definitely nervous about entering a classroom for the first time in three years, but the information I'm finding is actually really informative and interesting stuff! I always feel less stressed and more confident when I feel like I have a solid message behind me.

(p.s. And while I was at the library everyday getting books, of course I had to get some poetry books, a book on floral arragements and a book about traveling to Paris. I'll read them all, somehow. Tanya+books=love.)

 

 

Sick Toddlers, Frustration and the SAHM

Ugh. I'm grumpy and worn out. Last weekend Seeley contracted Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. Yikes! It's going around Portland like crazy, and since we live at the park, there ya go. She broke out in a horrible fever which broke our hearts. There is nothing worse than having a sick child and not being able to do much to help them. Luckily, her fever broke and she didn't contract the rash that usually comes along with HFM.
Cut to now and why I'm having a hard time. Seeley seems to be more or less fine. But she's contagious. So I've been keeping her inside all week. Trying to keep this girl in the house all day is like trying to contain a tornado. She keeps dragging me to the door saying, "We go outside? We go to the park? We go swimming?" Everything I start doing she wants me to stop doing. We're watching too much t.v. I'm feeling guilty because she wants my attention every second and I'm tired and short-tempered. This is hard. I want to leave the house too, but I'm not going to be one of those parents who take their sick kids out and expose them to other kids. Also, Seeley and Wes are going to Idaho for the weekend and I want her to be 100 percent.
Did I mention that I'm sick also? Yeah, fun times around here. Just taking it hour by hour and trying to find inside things to do that aren't watching the same three movies over and over.

Stress, Growth and All That Stuff

First off, I feel silly. I'm not working all day to put food on the table, or struggling to take care of my family. My problems are definitely privileged. That said, life isn't a competition. I've been stressed. Mostly it's my darn anxiety acting up. Anxiety is a real killer when you're a stay-at-home mom who also happens to be a perfectionist. Is she watching too much t.v.? (Answer: yes. But the girl loves Curious George!) Is she spending enough time socializing? (Answer: of course. We spent three hours, THREE, at the park on Monday and had a three hour playdate yesterday.) Her development is skyrocketing. She started counting (to two, but still!) and identifying colors. She says new words everyday. I have a lot to keep up with. I'm trying to keep in mind one of my most important parenting philosophies of nurturing her personality and letting her grow without hovering. But it's easier said than done.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but taking care of Seeley, but I'm finding I have less and less time for myself. Writing poetry is important to me. I'm going to write and (hopefully) publish poetry for the rest of my life. I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2015 to get a Master of Fine Art in Creative Writing and teach at the Community College level (hopefully). In typical Tanya fashion, my plans are rigid and defined. But I haven't written a poem in weeks. I'm too tired at night (did I also mention that her growth spurt is making her wake up a million times a night?) and too busy during the day. I don't have a solution, I'm just wondering where the time went? I'm sure this is common among all parents, especially stay-at-moms planning to return to a professional career. My previous work experience is falling further and further away and Seeley is getting closer and closer to school age! And where does that leave me!!! But enough whining and freaking out. Seeley just told me she pooped and is now jumping on the bed in said poopy diaper. Time to put writing aside for the moment and get back into mom mode:)

Sleep: Something I Used to Do

Once upon a time, before I had a baby (I don't want to say almost a year ago because my little baby cannot be that old), I used to sleep. I didn't necessarily sleep well, but most of the time I went to sleep and when I woke up it was morning. Now I go to bed at 10:30 and wake up at 12:30. And 3:30. And sometimes 5:00. And then we start our day at seven. Not bad you might think. That's about seven hours. But when that seven hours is broken down into such small chunks of time you kind of feel like you're losing your mind. Add to that that I am the lightest sleeper ever and that it takes me a long time to fall asleep, we're talking maybe four and a half hours of actual sleep.
Seeley is going through a funk. She used to only wake up once a night and she had been napping and sleeping in the crib like a champ. But now she's waking up all night and she won't fall asleep in the crib unless one of us is in there with her rubbing her back or hair. Some other mothers have told me this can happen at 10 months. They have so much going on in their growing brains (standing! talking! eating real food!) that their schedule and ability to sleep goes all out of whack. The biggest skill you need as a parent is adaptability and I'm trying to work on that everyday.
But it's hard. After Seeley goes to bed I get anxious. I have so much I want to do with that time, but I find myself looking at the clock thinking about how much sleep I'm depriving myself by staying up. It's not like my pre-baby days when I can just choose to stay up and go to bed early the next day. I have no control over how much sleep I get. But I also need to give myself time to read, work on my writing, or even just drink wine and watch crap t.v. It's a balance I'm constantly trying to figure out. How can I fit so much into a schedule I have no control over?
Suprisingly, aside from a few snappy comments between Wes and I (followed by grumpy apologies) we've managed to soldier on despite the lack of sleep. I've just given in to the changes she needs to go through. As long as she takes two naps at some point during the day and starts the night in the crib I don't care how we get there. And honestly, it's nice that she wants us to comfort her. It melts my heart that she'd rather curl up against me than sleep alone. She will go back in the crib, we will have a schedule. But not today.

Time to Myself

Yesterday evening I decided to go to Target to pick up a few things. I was driving and thought, "something feels different". Than I realized what it was. I was alone. Not with the baby, not with Wes. By myself. And I couldn't remember the last time that had happened. Before getting married and having a baby I was alone all the time and I loved it. At 18 I moved into my first studio apartment and lived alone through college. I loved living alone; my house was my little sanctuary. I definitely needed that place to go where it would just be me, myself, and I. No thanks, roommates! I also loved doing things by myself. I saw movies alone, took myself to dinner, whatever I wanted. I had and have a social life, too. I'm not shy or reclusive, I just really saw the value in being alone.

Now I have a little family who makes my day everyday. And somehow during all the transformations of the past few years I've forgotten to occasionally and purposefully be alone. And yesterday on the drive to Target I realized that I really missed it. It's hard to constantly be taking care of a baby. Even when you're doing something fun like going for a walk or playing on the floor, there is still that feeling that you're responsible for what's going on. And as much as I love talking to and spending time with Wes when he comes home, it's either dividing my attention even more or focusing it from one person or another.

So what to do? Obviously, I need to say "see ya" to the family once and a while and head out on my own. I had my yoga class until I sprained my wrist (try healing that with a nine month old) and my arts writing class turned out to be a bust (long story), but that doesn't mean I should stop getting out and finding solo things to do. It could even be as simple as a drive to Target :)

Little Things

I had a great day today
yesterday I was tired and stayed inside all day and didn't get much done
Seeley seems happier when I'm happier
that makes me smile, but I also feel the weight of that ability
the sun was out today and flowers were in bloom
I'm thankful Wes tells me he loves me when I'm being cranky
I've been tired lately, really tired, but I'm trying to keep it together
walks help
but today was good

Co-sleeping and Proud!

This makes me so angry!

snuggly girl. And yes, that is the crib in the background!

Happy co-sleeers.

I saw the above ad yesterday and boy did I get mad! Sleeping with your parents is like sleeping next to a knife? I don't think so. Cosleeping is common in other parts of the world, but here in the United States we seem to think babies will instantly get smothered due to their irresponsible, ignorant parents. I'm not an expert, but I can tell you that co-sleeping provides comfort and stability for babies (for my baby I'm sure of it) and that if you are safe about it (putting baby on her back, making sure their aren't loose covers and pillows around, etc.) it is a great time to bond as a family.

Wes and I have been co-sleeping with Seeley since she was born. It wasn't something we sat down and talked about; we naturally brought her into bed with us. I love waking up in the middle of the night and kissing her cheek, or patting her back to help her fall asleep. I can even nurse her without either of us having to move!

Ads like the one above make me mad because they take what has been done for generations and project it as something wrong and dangerous. I will never judge another person for how he/she chooses to parent (unless she is neglecting or hurting her children, obviously) but I hope people are smarter than to believe this nonsense!

Today I was...

Today I was...
Happy that Seeley took a nice big nap
Annoyed that her name was mispelled on her social security card
Upset that Wes and I got in a fight
Proud that we ended the fight with a kiss and great ideas to develop clearer communication
Refreshed when I was able to workout for the first time post-pregnancy
Overwhelmed when Seeley had a crying spell
Filled with love while watching her have "tummy time"
Grateful that I had a moment at the end of the day to catch my breath

Were doin' it little girl

Tired and happy...and tired

Choosing Midwives

The Midwives: Michaela, Pamela and Monica

Look who's name is up there!

We have only a few more visits with our midwives, then we're off to find a pediatrician. I doubt we will ever find health care as amazing as what was provided by our midwives at Partera Midwifery (check out their website here: www.parteramidwifery.com .) I know that people have varying opinions and fears about stepping outside of traditional medicine, especially when it comes to childbirth; but I would choose this option again and again for a few main reasons:

1) The time we were given: No sitting in a waiting room, no doctor forgetting things we've previously discussed. Our appointments lasted an hour, sometimes more. An hour gave us enough time to ask questions and get detailed answers. Spending so much time with our midwives helped us develop a genuine bond that will be greatly missed.

2) The availablilty of the midwives: I have called and texted our midwives at all hours of the day and have had them do a home visit when we felt unsure about certain aspects of the pregnancy.

3) Self-empowerment: It feels strange to go to a medical professional and have them give you options for deal with what's ailing you. For every decision that needed to be made our midwives gave us the information and let us and us alone decide what tests, shots, etc. we wanted with no judgement whatsoever. I never realized how accustomed I was to being told what to do by doctors. When I gave birth the midwives were present but I did the work. They did not intervene except to check the babies heart beat. They were my cheerleaders:)

4) Experience: For some reason a lot of people think midwives are just hippie women with no credentials who decide to assist with birth on a whim. Not. true. Licensed midwives have just as much experience and training as doctors, they just use different methods.

If someone you love tells you they're interested in using midwives during their pregnancy and you don't know how to feel about it, consider how empowering and enlightning this experience can be.