Health During Times of Stress

Transitioning from a full-time SAHM to having a part time job is stressful. I tend to stress more than is necessary, and believe me I've been thinking about how and when and where  I will get back to work since the day Seeley was born. This wasn't because being home wasn't what I wanted (I would make the same choice over again no question), I just knew that eventually I would want to resume my career.

Well here I am today; ready to work and grateful for being given a chance to teach again! I'm so lucky with the teaching position I've accepeted. I get to start working slowly and build the amount of classes I teach over time. I get time to prepare as it starts in September. I get time, period. That's one of the things that marks true success in life. Time. So many people have no time to rest, think, grow or develop as a person. I am grateful to be in a position where I don't have to take whatever job I can get to bring in money. The leisure to look for a job out of pure interest and professional development is something everyone should be able to do and which far too few people are able. Carrying this gratitude with me has helped me when I feel overwhelmed and then consequently feel guilty for being so privleged and whiny.

Along with practicing gratitude, I've been trying over the last couple years to channel my stress into productivity. I definitely try to prepare, prepare, prepare!! I've been reading a lot of great public speaking books in preparation for my class(I'm teaching a communication and public speaking course), as well as watching a lot of TEDTalks online (I'm obsessed). I'm definitely nervous about entering a classroom for the first time in three years, but the information I'm finding is actually really informative and interesting stuff! I always feel less stressed and more confident when I feel like I have a solid message behind me.

(p.s. And while I was at the library everyday getting books, of course I had to get some poetry books, a book on floral arragements and a book about traveling to Paris. I'll read them all, somehow. Tanya+books=love.)

 

 

Poetry Update

Last night before I went to bed I checked my email and saw that I had an email from a literature journal that decided to publish one of my poems! I work a lot on my writing and it's a passion that I plan to pursue for years to come. Currently I'm getting my poems together in a manuscript, so hopefully soon I'll have a book of poems published! I've had five or six poems published in poetry or literature journals, and I've often been asked how to view the poems or at least the journals they are in. So, I've made a list of links below! Most of my poems will be published late this summer or in the fall, but at least this way everyone can see the type of journals that are publishing my work. Thanks for all the support!


Mused: The BellaOnline Literary Review

Torrid Literature Journal

Clockwise Cat

Westward Quarterly

Stone Highway Review

Stress, Growth and All That Stuff

First off, I feel silly. I'm not working all day to put food on the table, or struggling to take care of my family. My problems are definitely privileged. That said, life isn't a competition. I've been stressed. Mostly it's my darn anxiety acting up. Anxiety is a real killer when you're a stay-at-home mom who also happens to be a perfectionist. Is she watching too much t.v.? (Answer: yes. But the girl loves Curious George!) Is she spending enough time socializing? (Answer: of course. We spent three hours, THREE, at the park on Monday and had a three hour playdate yesterday.) Her development is skyrocketing. She started counting (to two, but still!) and identifying colors. She says new words everyday. I have a lot to keep up with. I'm trying to keep in mind one of my most important parenting philosophies of nurturing her personality and letting her grow without hovering. But it's easier said than done.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but taking care of Seeley, but I'm finding I have less and less time for myself. Writing poetry is important to me. I'm going to write and (hopefully) publish poetry for the rest of my life. I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2015 to get a Master of Fine Art in Creative Writing and teach at the Community College level (hopefully). In typical Tanya fashion, my plans are rigid and defined. But I haven't written a poem in weeks. I'm too tired at night (did I also mention that her growth spurt is making her wake up a million times a night?) and too busy during the day. I don't have a solution, I'm just wondering where the time went? I'm sure this is common among all parents, especially stay-at-moms planning to return to a professional career. My previous work experience is falling further and further away and Seeley is getting closer and closer to school age! And where does that leave me!!! But enough whining and freaking out. Seeley just told me she pooped and is now jumping on the bed in said poopy diaper. Time to put writing aside for the moment and get back into mom mode:)

I'm Published!

Hey Everyone! I know I haven't posted in a long time. We've been really busy around here! I will do a longer post later, but for now I wanted to say that I'VE BEEN PUBLISHED! I have two poems in the latest issue of Mused: the BellaOnline Literary Review. This is a big deal for me since it's the first time my poems have been published nationally. It's such a motivator to keep writing and keep submitting, and of course, I couldn't do it without the support of my friends and family! Check it out!

Spring Reading

Spring is finally here, and with spring comes spring reading! Well, anytime is reading time really. I love books. I cannot remember the last time I wasn't reading at least two books. It's instinctual for me to grab a book and my poetry notebook anytime I have a spare second. Lately my reading has been almost all poetry. Most people I know don't read poetry or really even know of any contemporary poets, but it's a habit I recommend. You have to read poetry slowly, let it sink in. It forces you to figure out which style you like (confessional? modernist? free form? lyrical?) which creates helpful self-reflection. I also think poetry helps one see the world through different perspectives. In my own writing I like to read a wide range of poetry to help me find my own voice and stay motivated. You read a short, seemingly simple, effective poem and think, "how hard can that be?" The answer is, hard!
Doing anything while taking care of a toddler full-time is hard. But doing creative work while taking care of a one-and-a-half year old sometimes seems impossible. I've been writing consistently, which is awesome, but some days my mind is just...gone. The hard thing with creative work is that it's not just a matter of getting it done. It has to reflect the idea you had in your mind, make a statement. It's difficult because you're making something from nothing. I'm complaining but really I'm happy with my progress and trying to give myself a break. Enjoy my spring reading list, and head down to the library and check out some poetry!

One of my favorite confessional poets. Her poems are layered and fiercely moving.

My other favorite poet. The images, word choices and turns of phrase Louise Gluck creates are amazing.

My non-poetry book. Chef Samuelsson is a great writer who's had an amazing life and knows how to talk about food, family and drive.

I'm just discovering George Oppen and so far I love is short, powerful poems (I tend to write shorter poems so it's a great model.)

Spring Weekend and a Manuscript

We had a fantastic weekend. We got to spend some much needed time with my uncle John and aunt Shanti. We had a wonderful visit at our new apartment and it was so heartwarming to Seeley playing, reading books and showing off her toys to her family:) She always has so much fun with them and we promise, we will take you up on babysitting so Wes and I can have a date!

I also started an important project this weekend that is already stressing me out but is definitely worth it. I'm putting a manuscript of my poems together! I have a specific cooperative poetry press that I'm sending it to, but I don't want to say too much about the publisher just yet. I need to have 65-80 poems by May 31. I've found that when doing creative work (when I only have a couple of hours a day to myself) it's best to have deadlines and structure to help push me foward. And even if this particular press doesn't choose my manuscript, it will be nice to have a collection of poems that have a cohesive theme and structure. So wish me luck and happy spring!

Writing time!

Hugs for Shanti on her birthday!

Reading time with Uncle John.

Buddies.

We've got the whole world in our hands!

SPRING!

Life

Whoops! How did a whole week go by and I didn't write one word on the old blog?! It was a somewhat busy week, but I guess I've just been absorbed with this and that. The fall is finally here and we're loving it. Of course, we are also all a little sniffly (is it bad that we discovered baby cold medicine and that I'm maybe exaggerating Seeley's cold so we can use it to knock her out?) I've been quite busy starting several projects and activities that I'm really excited about.

Since I quite working (but plan to resume a career of teaching and writing) I've been really eager to stay involved with the world of education. Recently, I came across the ASPIRE program and decided to get involved. It's very similar to the Upward Bound program I grew up with and worked for in Montana. So last week I began training to become a volunteer advisor. The plan is to meet with three students one day a week and help them plan and prepare for college. Should be fun.

My other great passion is writing poetry and I've recently joined The Poets Studio at The Attic. I love it so far. I had to send work in and get accepted into the class and I'm so happy I did because the work of the other poets is fantastic and will keep me on my game. I definitely need a workshop environment to force me to find the time to write.

Other than that, I've been scrapbooking and reading. Scrapbooking sounds like such a mom thing to do, but it's awesome. I have about 2,000 pictures of Seeley so I have to put them somewhere! Sooooo, this post is all about me, but I figured there's only so much people want to hear about Seeley crawling and knocking things over and such :)


Wonderful poems by the new Poet Laureate Natasha Trethway. She is amazing at interweaving the autobiographical with the historical. Seriously worth checking her out.

 Another great writer, Joyce Johnson, recounts in her memoir her time with Jack Kerouac and other Beat writers and the sexism that often inhibited women Beat artists from being recognized.

"Storytime" at the library for one and two year olds. Basically, it's a big room full of bubbles and toys. Seeley loved it!

Grandpa

September 3rd was my grandpa's birthday as well as the day he died. He was a huge part of my life and even though he died when I was only 10 or 11, I miss him and think about him all the time. This poem is for him.

Mother’s Day and you appeared behind the flowers

Fragrant and standing tall again.

I took your hands

 So large and wrinkled

A lesson in masculinity.

 

And in them I felt your hanky

An off white cloth catching me softly.

Your newspaper shook

And swallowed your top half.

We went on one last car ride

And then another

And I knew we circled the world.

I stole a sip of beer and let out your tooth-filled laugh

And the world was as good as you.

 

The hospital silenced you

Pulled you away piece by piece.

You tended roses and gave me the dead ones to bring back to life

Through pure appreciation.

 

When your petals dropped I gave them back to you.

 

It took you a year to pass.

My sister and I were brought in to say

Goodbye, it’s okay to go,

Goodbye.

You reached into your pocket to give us money

And your hands slid uselessly down the side of your gown.

Goodbye to the emaciation, the tubes, the smell

 But then in the driveway

In the rain

Wait

Wait.

 

You squeezed my hand at the end.

Even though a date was chosen (your birthday)

There was still shrieking, still disbelief.

Knowing doesn’t help.

 

My daughter has your eyes

Cool, deep grey and blue.

The eyes of roses and car rides

Of protection and infinity.

 

I brought you back.

A Poem

I haven't been blogging much because we've been sleep training Seeley and I've been trying to stay super active during the day so S will (pleeeeease) fall asleep in the crib (hasn't been happening) which turns me into a puddle of goo around nine 'o clock. Suprisingly, though, I have been working on my poetry. So, before I go collapse into bed, here's a little poem I wrote today:

Sparrows

I noticed it, suddenly complete,
in the light above my front door.
an ugly patchwork nest
tight and grey
suspended above a ring of bright shit.

I was told the nest cannot be removed
because there are eggs in there
and those swallows are endangered.
How can these little arrows
adaptable, confrontational, type-A avains,
be on the brink of non-existence?

Mother and father sparrow
swoop and dive
at the predators climbing up and down the stairs.
It works.
I hunch and bow to them and their kin,
three babies the color of steel and cement.
The cat slinks away hungry.

The bird family trills
echoing through the portico
lessons in fragility.

Intimidation, Balance and Getting Out

Last night I finally did something I had been meaning to do for a while. Since Seeley's getting a little less dependent on me for constant nursing (which, by the way, is waaaaay more consuming than I ever thought it would be), I decided to take a writing workshop. For me writing is one of those things that I have to do. I've heard writers talk about how they didn't have a choice but to be writers, despite the insecurity and instability of the creative life (financially and emotionally) and that's kind of how I feel. It's a constant effort to nourish that desire to write while battling the demons of insecurity and lack of time. But I decided to make the time and push myself in front of a community of writers.

I've taken a one-time workshop from The Attic Writers Insititute before and found it a welcome place with accomplished instructors. The classes take place in an apartment that's been converted into two libraries and meeting spaces. It's a  perfect mix of imformality and dedication. The workshop I'm taking focuses on writing about the arts. This is new for me in two ways; I've never actually persued my interest in dance, music, fine art, etc. in any formal way and, I've never shared any non-fictional writing I've done (but I've written plenty.) But why not do something new?

Before I get to the class, I have to digress for a moment. Stay-at-home moms are always told to "get out" once and a while for their mental health. This is said with the best intentions, and indeed it is important to do so, but it is also a pain sometimes. The best way I can explain it is someone coming to your office in the middle of the day and telling you to take an hour off, they'll figure out how to do your work. Tempting, yes, but not so easy to throw off a schedule or not worry how things are going. Things definitely aren't as easy as "I'm leaving for a couple hours! Bye!" Anyways, back to the workshop. I had been assuming that the other members would be like me, trying something new, working on their craft. Well, not quite.

There were dancers, painists, people working for the opera, the art museum ...and there was me. I was equal parts impressed and excited to meet such accomplished people and terrified as it came time to make my introduction. "Hi, I'm Tanya. I'm from Montana. I have a baby" was the gist of it. Total intimidation took over. The way my new classmates where able to talk about movement, painting and music was inspiring, their knowledge of the Portland art scene confounding. When I left I felt total shell shock from being so intimidated. "Do I even belong here? Am I out of my league?" I thought as I walked to the car. On the drive home though I came to my senses. I do belong there. Trying something new like this is scary because it's new. It's worth it, though, and I'm sticking with it.

RIP Adrienne Rich

Feminist, poet, amazing voice. Adrienne Rich has inspired poets for decades with her amzingly honest and brutal poems. I love reading Rich's poems when I need inspiration. Check out the amazing piece on Rich from the Paris Review here.

From the poem "Night Pices: for a Child"

Tonight I jerk astart in a dark
Hourless as Hiroshima,
Almost hearing you breathe
In a cot three doors away.
... you and I—
swaddled in a dumb dark
old as sickheartedness,
modern as pure annihilation—
we drift in ignorance

Making Time to Write

My writing desk, otherwise known as the kitchen table.

Seeley is about three and a half months old and I love her more than ever. I want the world for this girl and part of the happy life I see for her involves seeing happy parents. Like everyone, I have dreams and aspirations both personal and professional. As most people in my life know, I love to write. When I was pregnant with Seeley I decided to really go for it and give this writing thing a try. Yes, I would have a newborn, but the same factors that would make serious writing difficult were also my driving forces. I want Seeley to see the importance of creative expression and I want her to see her mother pursuing her passion.

In practice, getting some publishable writing done has been difficult. I love poetry. I love to write it and I love to read it. My goal is not so much to get published as it is to create something I would be proud to send out into the world. The ideas are there as is the motivation. The only thing I need is the time.

I always hear about writers working in the middle of the night and early morning so I know I'm not alone in trying to cram poetry in the here-and-there minutes when Seeley is doing her own thing. I've tried writing after Seeley goes to bed, but by that point my brain is mush. I've been able to accomplish some writing during the day but I can't quite focus when those little eyes are looking at me and saying, "what's up? What are we going to do now?"

So I'm going to start writing in the mornings. I definitely don't get enough sleep (I am still a moveable feast and feel like a dairy cow) but I think losing an extra hour of sleep is what's required to follow this dream. So I'll be a little more tired, but the result will be the peace of mind that comes from following a dream.

The Importance of the Thank You Note

Box five of Thank You cards

Wes and I have had a crazy year. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary, had a baby, and the list goes on. We are lucky enough to have family and friends that are happy for us , supportive and generous. And for that I am eternally grateful. To just say "thanks" to our family and friends isn't enough; so I choose to send thank you cards.

I don't know if people my age send personalized thank you cards very often. The key here is personalized. I like to let people know that I recognize the specific gift and act of kindness they've given us. Receiving baby clothes, money, cards with well wishes as made all the difference during the changes in our lives, and I think it's important to let people know how they've effected us.

If the troubles the Post Office is facing are any indication, people are not sending hand written correspondence as often. I don't know why, but compared to an email there is something special about a handwritten note. It feels like someone took time out of their day to think of you.

I'm kind of obsessed with thank you notes after sending them after three (!) baby showers, a wedding anniversary, birthdays and Christmas (I mean it when I say we've been very spoiled this year). If you're feeling a bit disconnected, send someone a thank you note; I promise the benefits are endless:)

Occupy Portland Poem

Rough draft of the latest poem I wrote for High Contrast Review:

Occupy
Occupy does not mean to make oneself at home
home is what you leave to occupy.
They occupy like rumbling bellies under stale sheets
that somehow rise to another empty morning.
They occupy for more and for less:
education and war, healthcare and bailouts.
They occupy like the last five dollars in a bank account
steady in hopes of return.
But most of all they stay
in hopes of an evenness
a stability and balance.
We watch them occupy the screen for a clustered second
mouths moving in silence

the sound bite already over.

Quote

From an interview with writer Nicholson Baker in The Paris Review:

"When you have a child, you get a surge of ambition, or a surge of hormonal urgency, to get something done worthy of your new station in life."

Check Out Some Of My (Published) Poetry!

I've just had two poems ("Maintenence" and "Getting Close") published on the website of the amazing arts publishing group High Contrast Review! There website and annual art book feature fiction, poetry, photography, travel essays and more. I'm so excited to be included in their website.

In related good news, I will soon be contributing regularly (one poem per month; the details are still being hatched out) to High Contrast Review. It looks like my poetry will finally have an audience! Check it all out here: http://highcontrastreview.com/

Quote

From "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" by Judith Warner.

"Our selfhood was wrapped up in [. . .] control-not empowerment. And control through what means? [. . .] self-control, personal achievement, self-perfection [. . . ] For instead of using whatever tools of self-empowerment we had to gain control of our surroundings and change our world, we turned them inward and used them to police ourselves. Rather than become rebels or poineers like our baby boomer predecessors, we became a generation of control freaks."

Two US Poet Laureates: Poetry is Everywhere

A lot of people don't read poetry. My guess is that most think poetry is about love and flowers or that it is deliberately confusing. It makes sense that people think this way, given our lack of arts education in school and our lack of arts exposure in general society. But once in a while you hear a poem and you get it. You get why anyone would bother to write a poem and say something in a new way.

Billy Collins and Philip Levine are two US poet laureates (Collins just passed the title to Levine this year) whose work defines what it means to be American and what it means to be human. Philip Levine is a former auto worker turned Pulitzer Prize-winning poet. Often described as a "working-class" poet, his work relates to our everyday experiences, such as waiting in line for work as expressed in the poem "What Work Is". "What Work Is" is one of my favorite poems. Please give it a listen (the poem goes until the 2:04 mark).

Billy Collin's poem "Names" reflects on the September 11th attacks with amazing grace and poignancy. In our age of news bites and over-saturation "Names" makes that day and the people forever attatched to it real again. This poem is fantastic.

Hey Writers! Call for Submission

I'm a writer and like most writers I would like to be published. There are so many great literary journals out there, I figured I should share some of my favorite finds and calls for submission to any fellow writers out there.

 The Mom Egg is a journal of poems, fiction, reviews, interviews and art about motherhood by mother artists. They are excepting submissions until September 30. I know that's coming up soon, but you can submit online in just a couple minutes. They also ask that you include an author bio and simple cover letter (think "my name is ...I am submitting such and such peice of work...I have yet to be published/I have been published here and here.) To submit, click here:  www.themomegg.com. Write on!