We all do it. We meet someone new and cheerfully ask, "So what do you do?" This question seemingly has a lot of answers. "I listen to music, sleep, go for walks, sometimes I cook." But that's not what we mean when we ask the question and we know that's not the response others look for when the tables are turned. No, what do you do to make money? Until recently I had an answer. "I work for the school district in the Indian Education Department." I could breathe easy. I was working; my existence and productive ability had been validated. But that was a year ago.
There are a lot of ways to be productive and contribute to society, however, only pursuits with monetary rewards seem to be of value. Don't get me wrong, money is important and poverty sucks. It's a hell of a lot harder to reach your full potential when you can't afford heat or food. But why don't we recognize (really recognize, not just a pat on the head) the contributions of those outside the paid workforce?
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| Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes. Left to Write Press. 2010. |
When I say "those" I mean stay-at-home partners and homemakers (both male and female). "Homemaking" is experiencing a major resurgence, especially in the Do It Yourself (DIY) movement. Growing and preparing your own food, opting out of work to raise children, making your own clothing and other acts of self-sufficiency have gained notable popularity across the country. Books like Shannon Hayes' Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture (a must read if you're considering leaving the workforce) have wait lists. So when Wes and I decided that we wanted to live off of one income and that I would stay home with the baby, one would think I leapt in with full confidence. Not quite.
As a woman and a feminist I feel a little like I'm selling out. And what pisses me off is that so many other feminists seem to agree. The way a lot of feminists talk about "traditional women's work" reeks of condescension. Don't even get me started on the idea of the "overeducated housewife" (so I'm too smart to change a diaper? My education is worthless unless I use it to make money?) We are spitting in the faces of the women who got us where we are when we say that women who choose to embrace the traditions that have supported families and united women for years are not as empowered as those who work for a paycheck. Something is seriously wrong when I feel invalidated by feminists for doing something traditionally done by women.
When people ask "what I do" I don't know what to say. I stammer and say "well I'm not working right now" or "well, see, with the baby coming..." I know this decision feels absolutely right for both of us but I still feel like I need to convince people that I'm not just leeching off of Wes. It would be too easy for me to suggest that we stop defining ourselves by how we pay the bills. I didn't realize how much I did it until the paychecks stopped coming. What I can say is that I have been thrown into a huge learning curve in restructuring my time and and pursuits; and in this confusion I've learned that we all ultimately know what's best for ourselves no matter how traditional that may be.
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