When Wes and I got married I cried like a baby. I thought I'd be cool, calm and collected. No big deal, just thowing a party with an awesome dress. But when I saw Wes and everyone we love and when we said our vows holding eachother's sweaty hands, I lost it. Having a wedding of your own is amazing and everyone who wants one deserves one. And guess what? After the wedding you get to be married!
Marriage has deep roots yet it's new to each person experiencing it. In my experience I've always heard that marriage will change your relationship. That going from boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife will somehow alter every aspect of your current relationship and identity.
The day after Wes' and my wedding we ate leftovers. Maybe we watched a movie. I respect marriage, but to me the idea that getting married changes your relationship seems a bit outdated. If your relationship is unequal or tense or you don't trust your partner, your marriage will be a continuation of these problems. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to think that marriage means that all problems will solve themselves simply because you've made a legally binding agreement not to break up. But no one's ever said "I love you because we're married." In the same vain, if you have an amazing, trusting and passionate relationship than your marriage will be all of those great things. I don't necessarily think being legally married will make your relationship more amazing, trusting or passionate.
I think the idea of marriage changing relationships stems from two interwoven ideas. In the past people saved sex, living together and long-term partnerships until marriage. Everything really did change when you went from just going on dates to living together, making long term decisions and developing a sexual relationship. Today, many of my friends have been or are in long term, commited relationships and are not married. They live with their partners, make long term decisions together, for all practical purposes they were/are married! Yet if I told them that they would probably freak out! The changes that came with marriage in the past and the potentially smooth or nonexistant transition into marriage today have been largely ignored or downplayed.
Second, for some people marriage equals expectations. The stereotype is that all women do this but really some do, some don't. For these women (and men) marriage can equal babies or increased income or a stricter sense of codependence. Expectations can be okay. A lot of people have religious beliefs that prevent them from having sex and therefore children before marriage as well as guidelines for married couples. If you and your spouse believe in those things: awesome. I respect your choices and commitment. The problem occurs when these things are expected without any discussion with your spouse. Marriage will definitely change things when it comes with a to-do list.
The idea of marriage as a theory and marriage as a practice are completely different things. I always get asked "what's it like to be married?" and I always respond "no different than before". Wes didn't become a two-headed monster nor did he become Prince Charming. People sometimes call me by Wes' last name even though I kept my last name. I got a gorgeous ring out of it. I have to contridict myself, though. Somehow, somewhere, something did change a little bit. The memory of saying our vows to one another has stayed with me. Our fights don't seem to last as long (I end up thinking, "screw it. You're going to leave your crap everywhere for the REST OF MY LIFE!") I feel more protected. Not that I can't protect myself, I can just feel that Wes really loves me and wants me around.
So, if you want to get marry your partner (and are fortunate enough to legally be able to) than do it. If you don't want to get married, don't. The only thing that matters is the love you have for yourself and your partner. Because that won't change.
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