Choosing Midwives

The Midwives: Michaela, Pamela and Monica

Look who's name is up there!

We have only a few more visits with our midwives, then we're off to find a pediatrician. I doubt we will ever find health care as amazing as what was provided by our midwives at Partera Midwifery (check out their website here: www.parteramidwifery.com .) I know that people have varying opinions and fears about stepping outside of traditional medicine, especially when it comes to childbirth; but I would choose this option again and again for a few main reasons:

1) The time we were given: No sitting in a waiting room, no doctor forgetting things we've previously discussed. Our appointments lasted an hour, sometimes more. An hour gave us enough time to ask questions and get detailed answers. Spending so much time with our midwives helped us develop a genuine bond that will be greatly missed.

2) The availablilty of the midwives: I have called and texted our midwives at all hours of the day and have had them do a home visit when we felt unsure about certain aspects of the pregnancy.

3) Self-empowerment: It feels strange to go to a medical professional and have them give you options for deal with what's ailing you. For every decision that needed to be made our midwives gave us the information and let us and us alone decide what tests, shots, etc. we wanted with no judgement whatsoever. I never realized how accustomed I was to being told what to do by doctors. When I gave birth the midwives were present but I did the work. They did not intervene except to check the babies heart beat. They were my cheerleaders:)

4) Experience: For some reason a lot of people think midwives are just hippie women with no credentials who decide to assist with birth on a whim. Not. true. Licensed midwives have just as much experience and training as doctors, they just use different methods.

If someone you love tells you they're interested in using midwives during their pregnancy and you don't know how to feel about it, consider how empowering and enlightning this experience can be.

Football Saturdays!

One of my many favorite things about fall is staying in on Saturdays to watch football and eat good food. Wes already has Seeley watching all the games this morning; I don't think she's left his arms since we woke up! I've been busy making spicy vegetarian chili in our slow cooker. My uncle John and his fiance Shanti are coming over at five to watch the Stanford/USC game, so we should be able enjoy the game and have a yummy dinner!

very veggie chili

five hours to goodness

mandatory football watching beverage

Little griz fan (or will she be a duck?)

My response to most of Wes' football talk

Stretch Mark Love



Ahh! Here's your Halloween scare. I only got stretchmarks on my left side.

Thank you body! Look what you gave me!

Love.

Wes and I were getting ready for bed the other night when Wes said, "hey look, your stretch marks are already getting lighter." Instead of being excited and happy about this observation, I almost felt sad. I went through half of my pregnancy with no stretch marks. Slowly but surely, however, they arrived. I hated them. I wanted to minimize them. I covered myself in lotion and stretch mark cream daily (I still do just to keep my skin moisterized and minimize the marks). Along with gaining weight, standing by helplessly while your body stretches and stretches can be frustrating. You're so happy your baby is growing, but do you have to completely give your body over?
Cut to baby's arrival. I thought I would be working to get my pre-baby body back the second I was able to.  But I'm not. Giving birth and being able to reflect on my pregnancy has changed the way I view my body. It's hard to give up things you didn't plan on giving up, but my pre-baby body is gone. And that's okay. My stretch marks are proof of what I did. It almost feels disrespectful not to appreciate them. How can we witness our body doing the amazing work of growing a child and not expect any evidence of it?
I hope my stretch marks lighten up a bit because right now they look like little bruises. I hope I lose the last 25 pounds I need to get back to my pre-baby weight. I also hope I will always be able to see my stretch marks when I look on my left side. I hope my belly stays a little soft. My body showed me how amazing it is, and I will always be thankful.

Post Update

Yesterday I wrote about juggling the demands of managing a home and taking care of a baby. After I published that post my skills were put to the test! Seeley has been a bit fussy lately. "Fussy" has a negative connotation; really she's just been getting used to the world and becoming more active and responsive. We went for our first mother/daughter walk yesterday and I discovered that she loooves her baby carrier. She loves it so much that she didn't want to be taken out of it when we got home!  After several attempts at putting her down and walking away, I made dinner with Seeley in tow. I have to say I love the carrier too. She is really relaxed in there and I get to get stuff done without checking on her every five seconds. No wonder we've always seen babies strapped to women's chests across cultures and time!

Her new favorite spot

I chopped. Seeley gurggled.

Days of Stay-At-Home Mommy-ing

When Wes and I decided to start a family, we both wanted one parent to stay home with the baby. Not only did we think this was best for our baby, we thought it fit the lifestyle we were trying to achieve in which our home was a place of productivity and self-sufficiancy. Up until 13 days ago, I was a stay-at-home wife/mommy to be (how 1950s, I know) but now we have the chance to live what we talked about. So how is it going?

One thing I've learned about parenting and running a household is that schedules are important, but don't expect to follow them closely, if at all! I'll get the laundry done today...eventually, it just doesn't have to be before I do x,y, and z. It's also equally true that if something is really important I've been able to manage it. For example, it's important to us that we both know how to cook and that we cook from scratch as much as possible. Although takeout and boxed dinners sound tempting when I'm facing a dinner that takes three hours to make, it's important to us to eat this way and were always happy in the end when we have home cooked meals.

Tonight's dinner: burrtios with homemade tortillas!

Our first year growing vegetables. Success! (not all were this lucky)

Mmmm Sage.

Another thing I've learned is to enjoy the small moments. As a stay-at-home parent a lot of the stuff I do will seem pretty mundane as it's happening. Doing dishes, nursing the baby; not too exciting. But I've changed from feeling like I should be "doing something" with the baby (like what? she's two weeks old!) to just enjoying looking at her and talking to her. Things might change in the future but for right now things are going just how we hoped:)

Sunday Family Pics

We've slowly but surely been getting out of the house to enjoy the colors and cripness of fall and Seeley has definitely been getting cuter by the day. We are recharged and ready for a new week!

Cute, squishy babies aisle two.

Deep in sleepy thought

Nine Days Postpartum: The Honest Truth

The ever growing laundry pile.

I have been learning so much. I feel like I'm really growing as a mother, and that confidence is invigorating.  I am also a mess in every sense of the word. There is a lot that happens after birth to your body and emotions that no one tells you about. I am not trying to be negative or whine, but while I am fortunate enough to be bonding amazingly with my baby (something that doesn't always happen for a number of reasons) I am having difficulty coping with a number of issues:

1)Breastfeeding- It's custom built super nutrition for baby, it creates vital bonding time, and it can be incredibly frustrating. The fullness doesn't bother me, nor do the sore nipples (sorry if this is too much information) or baby's length or frequency of feedings. What bothers me is that I am constantly leaking breastmilk. Milk that stinks when it's dried. It's all over my clothes, the babies clothes, the babies face. I like things to be neat and orderly and so far I'm changing our clothes every hour. I just want to be clean!

2)Recovery from tearing and ongoing bleeding- I'm recovering from a tear I received during the birth (I didn't need stitches or anything, I got off pretty well actually) as well as dealing with the bleeding that will last for the next couple weeks. I repeat; you bleed for weeks after having a baby. It sucks. It makes sense that after such a huge event there would be a lot of recovery and adjustment, but not being able to sit, walk or use the bathroom without pain is exhausting and just doesn't feel fair.

3)Hormones-Most of the day I feel great but I often get hormonal, emotional surges that send me crying with no explanation. I think in those moments I feel like I just can't give anymore of my body and I feel mad that I can't seem to pull myself out of it until it goes away on it's own.

I feel fortunate that I'm comfortable talking about all these sometimes frustrating changes. We're all lucky that society has progressed to the point where new mothers aren't stigmatized for saying or thinking that recovery from birth sucks and that you can love your baby more than anything but still have regular, human emotions. A woman feeling like me 40 years ago may have been silenced by guilt and developed postpartum depresssion. But thanks to women speaking their minds, and personally thanks to the support of my midwives and family, I feel okay working through these feelings and have not let them ruin the overwhelmingly beautiful times.

Seeley's First Outing!

Seeley is one week old already! To celebrate the occasion we decided to go on our first family walk. We couldn't go too far or walk too fast (mama's still recovering) but it was nice to get some fresh air! Seeley didn't really seem to care much since she slept the whole time:)

"Hey Papa! What's up?"

I immediately adjusted the carrier. Mama held you like that for too long!

We also got Seeley's footprints done today for this cute little keepsake. I quickly discoverd she does not like to have her feet messed with!

As you can tell by her left foot, she's a little squirmer!

Quote

From an interview with writer Nicholson Baker in The Paris Review:

"When you have a child, you get a surge of ambition, or a surge of hormonal urgency, to get something done worthy of your new station in life."

Check Out Some Of My (Published) Poetry!

I've just had two poems ("Maintenence" and "Getting Close") published on the website of the amazing arts publishing group High Contrast Review! There website and annual art book feature fiction, poetry, photography, travel essays and more. I'm so excited to be included in their website.

In related good news, I will soon be contributing regularly (one poem per month; the details are still being hatched out) to High Contrast Review. It looks like my poetry will finally have an audience! Check it all out here: http://highcontrastreview.com/

The Birth of Seeley (this is long, but so was labor!)

Can you tell that it hurt and Wes is totally terrified?

Brand new. I pulled her out, and there we were.

That's my daughter! 8 pounds 3 ounces, 21 inches long.

I'm back! I took a couple day haitus from blogging because I had my baby! Seeley Avery D-J was born on Octotber 13th at 2:42 am. She passed her "due date" by only a few hours! I was so excited when I realized I was going into labor and I had no idea what kind of ride I was in for.
I had begun feeling contractions on the morning of the 11th. I didn't know exactly what contractions were supposed to feel like (everyone says "you'll just know") but they felt like strong menstrual cramps that were arriving in a pattern. I called Wes home from work and we both were excited but cautious in case it was a false alarm. After talking to the midwives, they agreed that I was in "pre-labor". Something I didn't know until I gave birth is that there are quite a few different stages to the process. Pre-labor is when contractions begin to appear in a pattern (mine were seven minutes apart). This stage can stop suddenly or last for days, which is frustrating when you think "this is it!" and want to call your families. During this stage (all of the 11th) Wes and I went for walks around our apartment complex, watched movies and I sat on my yoga ball, which was a godsend since I couldn't really sit down comfortably. At about three in the morning on the 12th the contractions were getting painful to the point that they were hard to ignore so we decided to call our midwives. I was in good spirits but also starting to realize that there was no going back, which was a bit scary.
One of our midwives had come over the previous day (the 11th) and had told me I was two centimeters dialated and that I would be considered in "active labor" at five. When she came over the morning of the 12th she told me I was about three to four centimeters. This was to be my first of many times feeling fear and frustration about how long this would take. I had been having contractions for the entire night and had made so little progress! About seven hours later I was still 4 cm dialated. I was angry. I didn't understand. What was all that pain for? Where was all that work going? Family was expecting the birth to be almost at the pushing stage and I hadn't progressed at all that day. The contractions were also becoming less and less manageable. I could walk and move but then they would start and I was paralyzed. I always told myself I would write down what contractions feel like, but what people say is true; they're so hard to describe! They start out like bad menstrual cramps but build incredibly fast around your back, abdomen and pelvis. It's like the worst muscle cramps you've ever had (that doesn't even come close to doing it justice, though). It builds and builds until all you can do is breathe and moan.
At six o'clock and hour eight of labor (I had slowly been moving into active labor) our second midwife came over and discussed either using herbs and a walk to pick up the pace of labor or trying to take a break with a nap. I said there was absolutely no way I wanted to slow down. Some herbs and a 45 minute walk later, I could no longer stand. Even though I was genuinely working as hard as I could I genuinely believe the fear of labor slowing down even more gave me the subconscious psychological push I needed to let go and let the pain come. The contractions started coming one after another and all I could do to get through them was moan and throw up (the only aids I used during labor were water and gatorade, which I will never drink again.) As much physical pain as there is during labor, there is an emotional element that is equally as difficult. You think "keep going, get worse, I can do it" while at the same time thinking "I never could have known how much this would hurt" and "get me out of this body". When I could feel the contractions building I would "good, let's go" and "please, please no" at the same time. Finally, after an intense acceleration, I was in "active labor" (what exactly wasn't active until then?) and ready to get into the birth tub.
The hot water felt amazing, but after hour ten of labor I was begging to somehow end this. I knew I could do it but my body was literally collapsing. I was falling into unconscious, snoring sleep between contractions and all I wanted to do was cry. Then it was time to push. Contrary to what I thought and what I was told, pushing was pretty awesome. It was very difficult since I had to use a superhuman amount of strength, but the contractions were over. You could have stabbed me in the face if it would end the contractions. After two and a half hours of pushing her head was out. One more push and I was done. I took a deep breath, gathered my strength and pushed. As she was coming out I reached down (I was on my knees with my arms draped over the side of the tub) and pulled out my baby. It was over. And just beginning.
Seeing this written out, it seems like quite the horror story, and to be honest Wes and I were really shaken by it. But somehow you learn to let it go. I think back to only three days ago and all I can focus on is pulling her out of my body and holding her. We are clueless about basically everything with Seeley, we're exhausted and we're totally in love.

A Note to Wes From His Crazy Wife

I had a rough, and I mean rough day today. Wes usually ends up having to hear my rants and more than once I've decided everything is somehow his fault. At the beginning of the day I was tired, moody and snippy and by the end of the day I was, well, tired, moody and snippy. He always seems to stick with me though and provide fantastic support. I thought I should make a little thank you list since he probably doesn't hear it enough:)

1) Thank you for taking one for the team when I complain about not being comfortable than immediately shove 100 pillows in your face and force you to move to the edge of the bed.
2) Thank you for telling me you think I'm pretty.
3) Thank you for taking me out to fancy dinners when I know you'd be just as happy at home with a Pabst.
4) Thank you for keeping your mouth shut when I eat disgusting amounts of food while giving you a look that just dares you to say something.
5) Thank you for encouraging me to write and for trying to understand poetry.
6) Thank you for going to all the midwives appointments with me.
7) Thank you for hugging me when I tell you I'm too tired to function and burst into tears.
8) Thank you for being so excited about the baby.
9) Thank you for putting up with the moments when we "have to" listen to Beyonce or watch Sex and the City.
10) Thank you for being you.
Wes took me out to a yummy meal last night at My Thai Bistro to cheer me up. And guess what? It did.

A Jump Start to Being Productive (funny video)

Happy Sunday!

Not too much going on today. Wes and I are just laying low and enjoying our house on a cold, rainy day. Happy Sunday!

homemade brunch! Mmmm.

Occupy Portland Pics!

Following in the steps of the Occupy Wall Street protest, Occupy Portland has been going on downtown for the past couple days. Wes and I went downtown this morning to Chapman Square to check out the protests and encampments that have been up for a couple days. I think these protests are great and Wes and I had some great conversation on our way home. Wes was a bit worried that the overwhelming representation of young "street kids" might weaken the legitimate arguments these protests are making. We also discussed the effectiveness of having no central leadership and no central platform. There's always the risk of someone making the entire effort look like a joke, and it's hard to figure out what the end goal is when some are protesting against war, some against taxes, some for education reform, etc. So far, though, Occupy Portland has created an inviting and engaging atmosphere that will hopefully spark dialogue in Portland and beyond.

Due Date Schmu Date

Be Patient. She'll come on her birthday.

Yesterday, October 5th, was the most common birthday in the United States (the least common birthday is February 29th: leap year). I wonder, how many of those birthday babies had October 5th due dates? I am officially 39 weeks and one day pregnant today and I'm working hard at staying patient, but it's so hard! My midwives and yoga instructor have been really great at emphasizing that the baby will come when she's ready and that due dates are only a rough estimate. The other day my yoga teacher made me smile when she said "the baby will come on her birthday." When I wake up in the morning now and say "maybe I'll go into labor today" I can imagine her saying "but mom, it's not my birthday!"

Despite all the support and encouragement to let things happen when they may, I am sucked into the common idea that most women have or should have their babies before or on their due date. I've found some statistics that show how wrong this presumption is, especially for first time moms:

• only about 3% of women give birth ON their due date. My midwives told me this and it makes sense. Yet most pregnant women I know, myself included, immediately start thinking of who the baby will share a birthday with, what day of the week they'll be born on, etc. the second they are given a specific due date.
• due dates are based on a 28 day cycle. Your due date might be an accurate reflection if you have a consistent 28 day cycle, but who has that? Most women fluctuate between longer and shorter cycles, which could mean a week or two disparity.
• 20.6% of all births are inductions (www.ivillage.com/induction-question/6-a-144633)  with most inductions being suggested in the 41st and 42nd week. I understand that sometimes they are necessary and that it becomes dangerous for the baby to stay in the womb past 42 weeks. But 20.6%? It seems like we’re all going a little crazy with our impatience!
• most first time moms deliver after their due date, during week 41. Another fact from my midwives. If this is true, then why are so many women being offered inductions at 41 weeks, as noted above?

In the end it won't matter how long I had to wait. Whether her birthday is October 7th or 20th we will be happy to have her. So I will wait and enjoy the days I have left of my pregnancy. Well, I'll try....

Quote

From "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety" by Judith Warner.

"Our selfhood was wrapped up in [. . .] control-not empowerment. And control through what means? [. . .] self-control, personal achievement, self-perfection [. . . ] For instead of using whatever tools of self-empowerment we had to gain control of our surroundings and change our world, we turned them inward and used them to police ourselves. Rather than become rebels or poineers like our baby boomer predecessors, we became a generation of control freaks."

Two US Poet Laureates: Poetry is Everywhere

A lot of people don't read poetry. My guess is that most think poetry is about love and flowers or that it is deliberately confusing. It makes sense that people think this way, given our lack of arts education in school and our lack of arts exposure in general society. But once in a while you hear a poem and you get it. You get why anyone would bother to write a poem and say something in a new way.

Billy Collins and Philip Levine are two US poet laureates (Collins just passed the title to Levine this year) whose work defines what it means to be American and what it means to be human. Philip Levine is a former auto worker turned Pulitzer Prize-winning poet. Often described as a "working-class" poet, his work relates to our everyday experiences, such as waiting in line for work as expressed in the poem "What Work Is". "What Work Is" is one of my favorite poems. Please give it a listen (the poem goes until the 2:04 mark).

Billy Collin's poem "Names" reflects on the September 11th attacks with amazing grace and poignancy. In our age of news bites and over-saturation "Names" makes that day and the people forever attatched to it real again. This poem is fantastic.

Want Your Two-Year Old to Ride a Bike? Get a Balance Bike!

Balance bikes are pedal-less bikes that can be used by children as young as two to develop balance and generally look like tiny bike riding badasses. When it's time for a traditional pedal bike, a child will be able to skip training wheels all together.

My uncle John, his fiance Shanti and my cousin Brian all chipped in and bought the baby this awesome pink balance bike. Thanks guys! YAY!

Watch this video to see them in action:

Weekend Party Pics!

My uncle John and his fiance Shanti hosted an awesome party this weekend. There was great food, great music and we got to hang out with a lot of cool people. Enjoy some pics from the party!

Shanti is an amazing cook and hostess. Everyone left stuffed!

Shanti, the belly and me.

Dickinson dudes. Cousin Brian, uncle John

Basement Wine Room. Awesome.